Familie

Ich habe das Wochenende bei Svenii verbracht und Lea war auch dabei. Es war lustig und wieder ein tolles Gefühl mit meinen Mädchen Zeit zu verbringen abgesehen in der Schulzeit natürlich. Max war bei seinen Kollegen und er war da auch besoffen. Ich hatte zwar auch die Gelegenheit, feiern zu gehen aber ich entschied mich dagegen weil morgen ja Schule ist und ich ja etwas Vernunft zeigen musste gegenüber meinen Eltern. Und so hatte ich ein chilligen Abend mit meinen zwei Freundinnen, ohne Alkohol. Aber das ist ja jetzt unwichtig.

Ich bin 15, dass ist jetzt hier jedem klar und mein Leben wird sich in meinem 15 Lebensjahr verändern, das weiß ich schon.  Ich werde dieses Jahr mein Onkel der gleichzeitig mein Patenonkel ist Kennenlernen, so wie seine ganze Familie. Was ich aber verberge ist, dass ich angst habe.  Was erwarten sie von mir? Er ist der Bruder meines Vaters der mich im Stich gelassen hat, kann ich ihm überhaupt vertrauen? Und seine Familie? Und warum haben sie sich nicht viel eher darum gekümmert, mich Kennen zulernen?  Ich habe  zusätzlich fünf Cousins. In August kommt meine Tante mit dem jüngsten Cousin zu uns nach Hause, mein Onkel arbeitet ja in Hamburg und kommt dann so zu uns. Was ich nicht gesagt habe, sie kommen aus Polen. Ich bin eigentlich eine Polin, meine Eltern kommen nämlich aus Polen und sind dort aufgewachsen. Ich nicht. Meine Mutter lebt seit 15 Jahren in Deutschland. Ich hatte nie den Grund gehabt, Polnisch zu können. Als ich klein war, so 4 Jahre alt, war ich oft bei meiner Oma. Sie hat allerdings nur gesoffen, liegt wohl in der Familie. Ich konnte fließen sprechen, alles verstehen, ich konnte in diesem alter nicht so wirklich deutsch sprechen. Aber das änderte sich als ich in den Kindergarten kam. Ich lernte die Sprache zu sprechen, verlor aber meine Muttersprache. Ich konnte zwar alles verstehen, was sie zu mir sagte, antwortete aber immer auf deutsch damit ich es lernte. Die Jahre war ich nicht mehr in Polen und hatte kein Grund mit irgendjemanden auf Polnisch zu sprechen. Und so weigere ich mich immer, Polnisch zu sprechen.  Aber jetzt wollen sie mich plötzlich kennenlernen und ich kann nichts mehr, außer verstehen. Was mach ich denn jetzt? Ich bin richtig überfordert. Ich bin schon in englisch schlecht und jetzt soll ich mein polnisch auffrischen? Das ist nicht fair. Ich  brauchte es NIE und jetzt muss ich es können?   Ich kann kein Wort rausbringen außer ein paar die ich aus meiner Kindheit weiß. Wie soll ich dann mit ihnen reden? Und warum können die kein deutsch? Warum muss ich es können und sie nicht? Warum muss es nur so anstrengen sein, eine deutsche zu sein in einer Polnischen Familie.  Ich weiß, eigentlich zähle ich als eine Polin aber das will ich nicht. Ich will keine scheiß andere Sprache können oder mich anpassen müssen in meiner Familie, ich will ich selbst sein, eine deutsche. Aber ich will mein Onkel nicht enttäuschen. Er freut sich richtig mich kennen zulernen und ich jammer weil ich meine Muttersprache nicht mehr beherrsche. Es ist echt kompliziert, ich bin kompliziert. Wenn ich es meinem Freund erzählen würde, würde er es nicht verstehen. Keiner meiner Freunde im ehrlich zu sein. Sie haben nicht so ein Druck eine Sprache zu können die man vergessen wollte. Und jetzt muss ich sie können. Es geht mir beschissen, ich hab nicht mehr viel Zeit um es zu können, warum ist mein Leben so kompliziert?

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